I have this friend lets call her Anju. She has a baby girl, stays with her parents, does not have a stable job and the last time I knew about her, her husband was with her, in the same house. I remember the phone call from her 'enemy' at college informing me about her elopement with someone much older whom she barely met. Her parents had a terrible time finding and bringing her back. They accepted them in and found their new son-in-law a job, trying to settle him down. Anju was thrilled. Some months later, they had a baby. I remember her coming to college with her pregnant belly, 4 years back. Now that I think about it, during college, only those who got married eloping ever came to college with a big belly. This particular girl was not the most beautiful one at that time. She was short and plump. And early in college, she even had a fling with a young professor, who later married the sister of one of her classmates, who was pretty well aware of this fling this guy had with our Anju.
Now how I came to know about her present life developments was when I got strange messages from Anjus facebook account. A person who most definitely is not Anju was talking to me and was so totally interested in me, and was completely ignorant of even the basic facts related to me. I informed the real Anju about this, made her change her facebook password and asked her what the hell was up. Thats when she spilled the beans and told me her story. The creepy dude who spoke to me through her fb account was none other than her husband. She then told me how the guy hits her; that he hardly bothers about the little one. Apparently, he lied about his qualifications. He is hardly educated. He showed signs of eying her fathers Gulf money. He started an affair with a lady at his work and slowly started distancing himself from Anju. Now, they are unofficially seperated. But she is too scared of the society to seek a divorce. She is scared of a stigma. She apparently went to her husbands mother, and pleaded her to convince him to come back to her. And apparently her answer was that it will happen when the time is right.
In my opinion, she was a later bloomer. In the sense that she hit her mental adolescence after 20 when the rest of us did around 13. Although the rest of us were still grappling with significant immaturity, we were well out of danger more or less. Not everyone who makes bad decision suffer from immaturity though. This girl, Akshaya, also eloped (and later appeared with a big belly at college) away with someone who was considered well below her in social strata. I think a taxi driver I dont remember well now. She would make her husband make anonymous calls to vulnerable girls who happen to know her and made him talk dirty to them. If they talk back, she would intentionally spread the story to the rest, to malign them. In our particularly misogynist society such an act is potent enough to completely demoralise a girl. What kind of woman would want to intentionally do this to another person. What sort of a person would be ready to actually make her husband dirty talk with another girl, just so that she can be maligned. How evil can people get. I digress. Coming back to the original point, my question is, what should Anju do to come out of her situation? I personally find it very harmful if she tries to pursue her husband. It will make her feel worthless and will only weaken her self esteem. There is nothing virtuous about a woman taking crap. A society that romanticises a woman's struggle to regain her identity by winning back her husband is harmful. As though it is sacrilegious to cut the umbilical cord of dependance, the cord of identity attached to her master, a man- her husband. Do I become a feminist if I ask her to get a divorce asap? Well that's what I did
When I told a very close friend about this, she questioned the reason in my advice. She asks me- "why do you advice girls to get a divorce? How do you know that's the best course for her to take? You hate men, so bitter towards them that's why you give such advises". Then she quickly added that she is only worried if that girl will blame me later for sowing the seed of the idea of a divorce.
I felt scared for her after this conversation with her because it proves that she genuinely believes that Anju should probably try and get back with that malevolent guy that her husband is, and not free herself from him once and for all. That she might get back with her husband and everything might become fine for her, and there is a good chance for that to happen. No good counselor would think such a probability is significant enough for her to risk pursuing the husband. But if I say that, I am talking out of my unhealthy hatred towards men. In my opinion, if Anju ever keep him close to the little one, she will grow up with a contorted understanding of men, and skewed ideas about the right ways of being treated, as a woman. I think I will be spared from being called a feminist if I think that a mans behavior towards other women and a woman's susceptibility to ill-treatment are direct reflections of their fathers behavior towards their mother, and therefore ask all women to find a guy who will treat them right for the sake of her own children's well being if not anything else. Above all I am worried that my best friend thinks so, because a rotten stigma from a mindless society should never decide her perceptions of what is right for her and her loved ones. For such considerations towards the low minds of the society that judge you for your choices that make you feel safe, content and free, are dangerous, and will lead to physical, mental and spiritual breakdown.
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